Jenny Arden
I am lucky (?) enough to read many of my delicious cracky books before I find ones magnificent enough to share with you, my love-junkies. Some are merely what they are, trite romance; and some, as you are beginning to see, are pure magic. My latest offering was so magical, I had to dog-ear the first page. And 22 others. Seriously. So, let's dive in shall we?
Elise Sterling is a physio therapist from England (but she is half French) who travels to France to work with her newest client, the recently paralyzed wine mogul, Luc de Rozanieux. Luc has a "lady friend" who is far more lovely and sophisticated than Elise could ever be and therefore hilarity, I mean tragedy, ensues. Seriously, the magic starts on page one...
"It was a lovely evening, almost summer, and her crisp cotton dress was a classic shirtwaister. There was nothing especially striking about it, yet with its collar raised so that the points framed her face and with her hands slipped casually into its side seam pocket she gave it style. She looked brisk and self-sufficient, her image matching her personality[...]Now, with her emotions as well-ordered as her case notes, she had almost forgotten what it was like to be vulnerable, even if she had not forgotten what it was like to be hurt." p. 1
So, be careful when you pick your clothes...apparently they say a helluva lot about your personality.
"Noting the slightly wary glance Elise gave the powerful Alsatian, he jeered contemptuously, 'I thought you English were supposed to like animals? Nikki, be quiet!'" p. 32
That is a very specific ethnic stereotype I wasn't aware of. See? These books teach!
"As the sparkling wine was poured, Luc's sister announced 'I thought tonight we'd celebrate with some of our special cuvee.' 'An idea I heartily approve of,' Claude with a smile. 'Let's hope it won't be wasted on Mademoiselle Sterling,' Luc remarked, a sardonic joke in his voice. Addressing Elise, he went on, 'As you're English-' 'Half-English,' she reminded him. His mouth quirked ironically as he conceded the point. 'But in any event,' he said 'better qualifed, I imagine, to give me your opinion of a cup of Darjeeling tea than a glass of the chateau's wine.'" p.35
Again with the predjudce. This guy isn't an "alpha male", he is just an ass. The next 4 paragraphs are the authors belabored attempt to show that she took a wine tasting class once, including the phrase "hallmark of the best sparkling wines". So, write what you know, or take a class and throw around a bunch of crap.
"She turned on the bath taps and, noticing the botle of Paco Rabanne Pour Homme [For Men ed.] bath essence among his toiletries, she added some of it to the water. Its fragrance was sharp and bracing, and she critically sniffed at the bottle, her nose crinkling. Concentrated, the bath essence was still more pungent and masculine. It was exactly the fragrance that Luc would choose, she thought drily. Everything about the man was too damn dominant." p. 51
Oh the sexy dominant scent of Man bubble bath! What a hunk! And there does seem an alarming excess of commas being used throughout. I tried to count them, but I got up to 65 by page 15 or so and gave up.
"The conversation between them gave no indication of tension as Elise massaged his shoulders with knowing hands. But as always it required the sternest effort of will for her to ignore the virility that was stamped in every line of his hard man's body." p. 112
'nuff said.
Now, get out the hankies...this one is went he first confesses his love. And no, he hasn't stopped being an asshole, or her being a moron.
"Knowing that she was crying, in pure desperation Elise snatched herself free. Luc made a grab for her but was too late, and she began to run along the moving train towards her carriage door.
'Come back here you little fool!' Luc shouted after her furiously. 'Haven't you realized yet....? I love you!'
She reached up to catch hold of the side of the door and jumped aboard. Tears streaming down her face, and, trembling, she turned to see that Luc had broken into a limping run." p. 178
Yep. An "I love you" as someone is jumping on a French train. Wow. Oh and an insult. Oh and a crip learning to run again. A me...l'amour!
So, of course, they get their shit together eventually. But I wanted to share the last line of the book and inspire some lovin' at your homes...
"Her mind whirled for and instant as she thought of the future that lay ahead, of everything they would share in their intense [hateful ed.], tempestuous [bitter ed.] relationship, and then it came back to tonight, a whole long glorious night of love and passion, the forerunner of countless such nights." p. 189
Know what that is? Mmhmm good crack.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Thursday, March 8, 2007
"The Morning After"
Dorie Graham
So...this one is quite something. Because I scavenge these books from thrifts and used stores, I sometimes can't find the series I like and this one is from my second favorite collection "Blaze". They are "sexier"...less euphemisitc, not completely frank, but...more realistic. Theoretically. And then I read this...
Our couple is Dylan Cain and Nikki McClellan; Dylan is troubled and Nikki is magical. Magical is perhaps a little harsh. She is "gifted", as are her sister and mother and aunt, with the ability to heal men. Sexually. Yes, she has sexual healing. I will give you a few minutes to get that song deep in your head. But this gift has a downside. Once her men are healed, they leave her. Usually, they are gone by morning. That is one powerful pussy.
And then she meets Dylan. Whose house she is buying. And who has troubles. His fiancee died in a horrible car crash one dark and stormy night. Sounds like he is a good patient for sexual healin to me!
Obviously, a plot this serious is going to have some deliciousness in it...and boy does Dorie deliver. This first passage I am quoting directly. You aren't missing anything. Nikki is visiting his house, which she is buying.
" 'But I'd love to the see the gardens again.'
He nodded and took her hand 'This way then.'
His grip was firm and strong. Walking hand in hand with him (ed. Like one does when one is buying a house from someone) as they strolled the stone path circumventing the far flower garden felt oddly right. He pointed out various flowers, but her pulse throbbed in her ears, making it difficult to hear him. His mouth was beautiful to watch as he formed each sensuous syllable.
What would it be like to kiss him?
'Don't you think?' He looked at her expectantly.
She bobbed her head in a half nod.
'I had a friend who didn't think so, but I know it'll hold two comfortably.'" p.50
What the hell? It turns out, in like 5 lines, it was a hammock. That's good writing...make people wonder and keep on readin'. And about 3 pages later, they are going at it. Because of the healing though, not because she is a slut or he is a jerk.
"She suckled him (ed. His "man nipples") while he fisted her hair and tried to breathe, the pleasure almost too intense to bear." p. 55
Now, I ain't no Dan Savage, but that isn't what fisting is as far as I was aware.
This next one is a longish one. She has decided to reveal herself to him after some argument broke them up. And ohhh the hilarity.
"`I'll tell you something that might be hard to believe. It was my gift-to bring you healing through my touch.'
He cocked his head. Curiosity mixed with his surprise. 'Seriously?'
'I wish it weren't so.' (ed. Me too)
'Why?'
'I was born into it. It wasn't my choice. (ed. Like being gay or a vampire)'
'Okay...' He leaned toward her. His acceptance was almost as ready as Tess' had been. It flowed out to her in a comfort wave. 'So you are some kind of...enchantress. That's why I always feel at peace when I'm with you but the torment is tenfold when you're away. You have bewitched me.'
'I'm not an enchantress (ed. Noo, that would be silly). But I am a healer, and your resistance is what brings your torment.'
'A healer? You heal with your touch?'
"Specifically through my lovemaking. Go ahead and laugh. It does sound ridiculous. I found it hard to believe myself. I still have my own issues with it.'
'You mean sexual healing? I don't find it laughable at all. In fact, I'm not at all surprised. You do have a healing touch. I felt it when we first shook hands. I could feel your magic even then. I've felt it when I've been with you ever since.' He blew out a breath. 'Is that why I can't stay away from you?'
'As I understand it, when you resist the healing, it makes the parting harder.'" p.215-6
Well, he sure took that well. Talk about a non-event. Sorry, but if someone tells me they have a magical hootchie...I am going to react!
I didn't quote anything from the part in the middle when Nikki and her sisters "learn" about their craft from their mom, because, frankly, I would have need to out in entire chapters...but if you are curious, this book can still be yours.
Anyway, they end up together. Of course they do, they all do. But imagine having to decide to give up such a wonderful gift for one man? Talk about Sophie's choice.
Say it with me...Mmmmm that's good crack!
So...this one is quite something. Because I scavenge these books from thrifts and used stores, I sometimes can't find the series I like and this one is from my second favorite collection "Blaze". They are "sexier"...less euphemisitc, not completely frank, but...more realistic. Theoretically. And then I read this...
Our couple is Dylan Cain and Nikki McClellan; Dylan is troubled and Nikki is magical. Magical is perhaps a little harsh. She is "gifted", as are her sister and mother and aunt, with the ability to heal men. Sexually. Yes, she has sexual healing. I will give you a few minutes to get that song deep in your head. But this gift has a downside. Once her men are healed, they leave her. Usually, they are gone by morning. That is one powerful pussy.
And then she meets Dylan. Whose house she is buying. And who has troubles. His fiancee died in a horrible car crash one dark and stormy night. Sounds like he is a good patient for sexual healin to me!
Obviously, a plot this serious is going to have some deliciousness in it...and boy does Dorie deliver. This first passage I am quoting directly. You aren't missing anything. Nikki is visiting his house, which she is buying.
" 'But I'd love to the see the gardens again.'
He nodded and took her hand 'This way then.'
His grip was firm and strong. Walking hand in hand with him (ed. Like one does when one is buying a house from someone) as they strolled the stone path circumventing the far flower garden felt oddly right. He pointed out various flowers, but her pulse throbbed in her ears, making it difficult to hear him. His mouth was beautiful to watch as he formed each sensuous syllable.
What would it be like to kiss him?
'Don't you think?' He looked at her expectantly.
She bobbed her head in a half nod.
'I had a friend who didn't think so, but I know it'll hold two comfortably.'" p.50
What the hell? It turns out, in like 5 lines, it was a hammock. That's good writing...make people wonder and keep on readin'. And about 3 pages later, they are going at it. Because of the healing though, not because she is a slut or he is a jerk.
"She suckled him (ed. His "man nipples") while he fisted her hair and tried to breathe, the pleasure almost too intense to bear." p. 55
Now, I ain't no Dan Savage, but that isn't what fisting is as far as I was aware.
This next one is a longish one. She has decided to reveal herself to him after some argument broke them up. And ohhh the hilarity.
"`I'll tell you something that might be hard to believe. It was my gift-to bring you healing through my touch.'
He cocked his head. Curiosity mixed with his surprise. 'Seriously?'
'I wish it weren't so.' (ed. Me too)
'Why?'
'I was born into it. It wasn't my choice. (ed. Like being gay or a vampire)'
'Okay...' He leaned toward her. His acceptance was almost as ready as Tess' had been. It flowed out to her in a comfort wave. 'So you are some kind of...enchantress. That's why I always feel at peace when I'm with you but the torment is tenfold when you're away. You have bewitched me.'
'I'm not an enchantress (ed. Noo, that would be silly). But I am a healer, and your resistance is what brings your torment.'
'A healer? You heal with your touch?'
"Specifically through my lovemaking. Go ahead and laugh. It does sound ridiculous. I found it hard to believe myself. I still have my own issues with it.'
'You mean sexual healing? I don't find it laughable at all. In fact, I'm not at all surprised. You do have a healing touch. I felt it when we first shook hands. I could feel your magic even then. I've felt it when I've been with you ever since.' He blew out a breath. 'Is that why I can't stay away from you?'
'As I understand it, when you resist the healing, it makes the parting harder.'" p.215-6
Well, he sure took that well. Talk about a non-event. Sorry, but if someone tells me they have a magical hootchie...I am going to react!
I didn't quote anything from the part in the middle when Nikki and her sisters "learn" about their craft from their mom, because, frankly, I would have need to out in entire chapters...but if you are curious, this book can still be yours.
Anyway, they end up together. Of course they do, they all do. But imagine having to decide to give up such a wonderful gift for one man? Talk about Sophie's choice.
Say it with me...Mmmmm that's good crack!
Thursday, February 22, 2007
"Glass Slippers and Unicorns"
Carole Mortimer
Yes, that really is the title. Already this book rocks.
So...I will largely be dealing with Harlequin as the publishers, since they are my favorite. They publish under several different "umbrellas" (see the details here if you want) and each one deals with the subject matter in a slightly different way. I tend to prefer the "Harlequin Presents" collection, because they are the most...magnificent. I'll let them explain...
"The Harlequin Presents line offers the ultimate in emotional and sensual excitement!
Okay, this one is long but it must be shared. Reed and Darcy are in Florida, visiting his family, who Darcy is meeting for the first time. This is how she breaks the ice with the family. Remember, this author is a Brit...
" 'You're worse!' Reed amended indulgently, relaxing slightly. 'It's like walking into a scene from the Waltons!'
'And which part do you play?' Linda [ed. One of Reed's sisters] drawled. 'Pa?'
'Over you lot?' Reed returned without rancour. 'Never! But you have to admit Darcy has the hair and freckles to play Elizabeth!'
Darcy felt very self-conscious as they all turned to look at the riotous red curls covering her head, even tighter than they usually were as they were allowed to dry naturally after her swim. As for the freckles, they could never be doubted! [ed. Doubted?? What claims were the freckles making??]
She was familiar with the television programme about the large Walton family set during the ninteen-thirties and forties, and she didn't think she liked being compared to the carrot-haired [ed. CARROTS? Oh c'mon!] girl with the sinus problem that played the part of the youngest member of the family.
'The programme never seemed to be the same to me after John-Boy grew a foot from one series to the next!' she said drily, alluding to the fact that the first actor to play the oldest son in the series had decided to leave and his replacement had topped him by at least a foot- even if he did have the original man's blond hair and mole on his cheek!" p. 70
There was more Walton talk, but you get the idea. Why, in the middle of an all consuming, passionate (allegedly) romance novel would an author take a weird American t.v. break wherein she compared her lovers relationship to a Father/daughter relationship in an old t.v. show? And frankly, disturbing aside, it isn't even a flattering comparison.
Rest assured my love-junkies, all the tension and bad stuff melts away in a matter of two conversations and they live happily ever after.
Believe it or not, you will see this authors name fairly frequently on here. She is very prolific and a fan favorite.
Say it with me now...mmmmmmm that's good crack!
Yes, that really is the title. Already this book rocks.
So...I will largely be dealing with Harlequin as the publishers, since they are my favorite. They publish under several different "umbrellas" (see the details here if you want) and each one deals with the subject matter in a slightly different way. I tend to prefer the "Harlequin Presents" collection, because they are the most...magnificent. I'll let them explain...
"The Harlequin Presents line offers the ultimate in emotional and sensual excitement!
Although grounded in reality and reflective of contemporary, relevant trends, these fast-paced stories are essentially escapist romantic fantasies that take the reader on an emotional roller-coaster ride. Written in the third person, they can be from the male or female point of view, or seen through the eyes of both protagonists. All are set in sophisticated, glamorous, international locations.
With its focus on strong, wealthy, breathtakingly charismatic alpha-heroes who are tamed by spirited, independent heroines, the central relationship in a Presents novel is a provocatively passionate, highly charged affair, driven by conflict, emotional intensity and overwhelming physical attraction, which may include explicit lovemaking."
This means...rich guys in exotic places (usually England, Italy or Greece) with average, yet stunning, women. And yes, the girls, like the Mounties, always get their man. Mmm that's good crack.
This one is in England. And here is how you can tell; the main characters are named Reed Hunter and Darcy Faversham (Darcy is the girl). Reed is arrogant. We know this because the author tells us so. 12 times. In 188 pages. That is a loooot of arrogant. Another Reed fun fact...he collects unicorns. The alpha-hero collects unicorns. Collective Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Oy.
Allow me to share a few beautiful moments with Darcy and Reed. And please believe me when I tell you, I could just retype the whole book here but I am being selective.
"He paced the room with long legs, his movements not made with their usual fluidity, but with spasmodic energy." p. 7
No. Really.
"Darcy was sure the colour in her cheeks was going to remain a permanent fixture as Reed seemed intent on recalling all the stupid things she had done since the moment they had met so awkwardly" p. 12
"The fact that she took two spoonfuls of sugar in her coffee and drank the brew constantly had become a standing joke between them during the months she had worked for him, his own coffee always taken black and unsweetened, although he rarely drank it. But Darcy didn't feel much like laughing at the moment." p. 49Okay, this one is long but it must be shared. Reed and Darcy are in Florida, visiting his family, who Darcy is meeting for the first time. This is how she breaks the ice with the family. Remember, this author is a Brit...
" 'You're worse!' Reed amended indulgently, relaxing slightly. 'It's like walking into a scene from the Waltons!'
'And which part do you play?' Linda [ed. One of Reed's sisters] drawled. 'Pa?'
'Over you lot?' Reed returned without rancour. 'Never! But you have to admit Darcy has the hair and freckles to play Elizabeth!'
Darcy felt very self-conscious as they all turned to look at the riotous red curls covering her head, even tighter than they usually were as they were allowed to dry naturally after her swim. As for the freckles, they could never be doubted! [ed. Doubted?? What claims were the freckles making??]
She was familiar with the television programme about the large Walton family set during the ninteen-thirties and forties, and she didn't think she liked being compared to the carrot-haired [ed. CARROTS? Oh c'mon!] girl with the sinus problem that played the part of the youngest member of the family.
'The programme never seemed to be the same to me after John-Boy grew a foot from one series to the next!' she said drily, alluding to the fact that the first actor to play the oldest son in the series had decided to leave and his replacement had topped him by at least a foot- even if he did have the original man's blond hair and mole on his cheek!" p. 70
There was more Walton talk, but you get the idea. Why, in the middle of an all consuming, passionate (allegedly) romance novel would an author take a weird American t.v. break wherein she compared her lovers relationship to a Father/daughter relationship in an old t.v. show? And frankly, disturbing aside, it isn't even a flattering comparison.
Rest assured my love-junkies, all the tension and bad stuff melts away in a matter of two conversations and they live happily ever after.
Believe it or not, you will see this authors name fairly frequently on here. She is very prolific and a fan favorite.
Say it with me now...mmmmmmm that's good crack!
My Dirty Secret
So, this is it. My secret shame. I read romance novels. Wait, it gets worse...I only read serial romance...Yep...Harlequin type books. In fact, they are one of my favorites.
Allow me to clarify a few things. I know it is wrong. I don't buy them full price. I DO read other books. I don't use them as a bizarre and upsetting substitute for porn.
But the thing is...they are funny as hell. Some are well written and clever. Most aren't. And the ones that aren't...tend to be pretty spectacular. And I want to share them with you.
As one website my Beloved reads says, "I'll read them, so you don't have to..."
I will share fantastic plots, wonderful character names, truly outstanding "phraseology"...And no need to thank me...You are so very welcome.
All of these will be direct quotes, so please, cross your fingers I don't get sued.
Enjoy! Or at least, try not to firebomb me.
Allow me to clarify a few things. I know it is wrong. I don't buy them full price. I DO read other books. I don't use them as a bizarre and upsetting substitute for porn.
But the thing is...they are funny as hell. Some are well written and clever. Most aren't. And the ones that aren't...tend to be pretty spectacular. And I want to share them with you.
As one website my Beloved reads says, "I'll read them, so you don't have to..."
I will share fantastic plots, wonderful character names, truly outstanding "phraseology"...And no need to thank me...You are so very welcome.
All of these will be direct quotes, so please, cross your fingers I don't get sued.
Enjoy! Or at least, try not to firebomb me.
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