Thursday, February 22, 2007

"Glass Slippers and Unicorns"

Carole Mortimer

Yes, that really is the title. Already this book rocks.

So...I will largely be dealing with Harlequin as the publishers, since they are my favorite. They publish under several different "umbrellas" (see the details here if you want) and each one deals with the subject matter in a slightly different way. I tend to prefer the "Harlequin Presents" collection, because they are the most...magnificent. I'll let them explain...

"The Harlequin Presents line offers the ultimate in emotional and sensual excitement!

Although grounded in reality and reflective of contemporary, relevant trends, these fast-paced stories are essentially escapist romantic fantasies that take the reader on an emotional roller-coaster ride. Written in the third person, they can be from the male or female point of view, or seen through the eyes of both protagonists. All are set in sophisticated, glamorous, international locations.

With its focus on strong, wealthy, breathtakingly charismatic alpha-heroes who are tamed by spirited, independent heroines, the central relationship in a Presents novel is a provocatively passionate, highly charged affair, driven by conflict, emotional intensity and overwhelming physical attraction, which may include explicit lovemaking."

eharlequin.com

This means...rich guys in exotic places (usually England, Italy or Greece) with average, yet stunning, women. And yes, the girls, like the Mounties, always get their man. Mmm that's good crack.

This one is in England. And here is how you can tell; the main characters are named Reed Hunter and Darcy Faversham (Darcy is the girl). Reed is arrogant. We know this because the author tells us so. 12 times. In 188 pages. That is a loooot of arrogant. Another Reed fun fact...he collects unicorns. The alpha-hero collects unicorns. Collective Awwwwwwwwwwwwww. Oy.

Allow me to share a few beautiful moments with Darcy and Reed. And please believe me when I tell you, I could just retype the whole book here but I am being selective.

"He paced the room with long legs, his movements not made with their usual fluidity, but with spasmodic energy." p. 7

No. Really.

"Darcy was sure the colour in her cheeks was going to remain a permanent fixture as Reed seemed intent on recalling all the stupid things she had done since the moment they had met so awkwardly" p. 12

"The fact that she took two spoonfuls of sugar in her coffee and drank the brew constantly had become a standing joke between them during the months she had worked for him, his own coffee always taken black and unsweetened, although he rarely drank it. But Darcy didn't feel much like laughing at the moment." p. 49

Okay, this one is long but it must be shared. Reed and Darcy are in Florida, visiting his family, who Darcy is meeting for the first time. This is how she breaks the ice with the family. Remember, this author is a Brit...

" 'You're worse!' Reed amended indulgently, relaxing slightly. 'It's like walking into a scene from the Waltons!'
'And which part do you play?' Linda [ed. One of Reed's sisters] drawled. 'Pa?'
'Over you lot?' Reed returned without rancour. 'Never! But you have to admit Darcy has the hair and freckles to play Elizabeth!'
Darcy felt very self-conscious as they all turned to look at the riotous red curls covering her head, even tighter than they usually were as they were allowed to dry naturally after her swim. As for the freckles, they could never be doubted! [ed. Doubted?? What claims were the freckles making??]
She was familiar with the television programme about the large Walton family set during the ninteen-thirties and forties, and she didn't think she liked being compared to the carrot-haired [ed. CARROTS? Oh c'mon!] girl with the sinus problem that played the part of the youngest member of the family.
'The programme never seemed to be the same to me after John-Boy grew a foot from one series to the next!' she said drily, alluding to the fact that the first actor to play the oldest son in the series had decided to leave and his replacement had topped him by at least a foot- even if he did have the original man's blond hair and mole on his cheek!" p. 70

There was more Walton talk, but you get the idea. Why, in the middle of an all consuming, passionate (allegedly) romance novel would an author take a weird American t.v. break wherein she compared her lovers relationship to a Father/daughter relationship in an old t.v. show? And frankly, disturbing aside, it isn't even a flattering comparison.
Rest assured my love-junkies, all the tension and bad stuff melts away in a matter of two conversations and they live happily ever after.

Believe it or not, you will see this authors name fairly frequently on here. She is very prolific and a fan favorite.

Say it with me now...mmmmmmm that's good crack!

My Dirty Secret

So, this is it. My secret shame. I read romance novels. Wait, it gets worse...I only read serial romance...Yep...Harlequin type books. In fact, they are one of my favorites.
Allow me to clarify a few things. I know it is wrong. I don't buy them full price. I DO read other books. I don't use them as a bizarre and upsetting substitute for porn.
But the thing is...they are funny as hell. Some are well written and clever. Most aren't. And the ones that aren't...tend to be pretty spectacular. And I want to share them with you.
As one website my Beloved reads says, "I'll read them, so you don't have to..."
I will share fantastic plots, wonderful character names, truly outstanding "phraseology"...And no need to thank me...You are so very welcome.
All of these will be direct quotes, so please, cross your fingers I don't get sued.
Enjoy! Or at least, try not to firebomb me.