Janet Dailey
Well, oy. This one is a "vacation" story. Annette, our heroine, is on vaca with her family and she meets the owner of the resort they are staying at and tries to, and of course does, land him. For some reason, she pretends to be 17, even though she is really the ripe old age of 20. But they get over it of course. Other than that, nothing interesting happens. The family relationship are bizarre and awkward and the "couple" is disturbing and icky. That is a recipe for some tastiness. Don't believe me? I can prove it!
'Marsha was half convinced that her older sister was a bulldozer made out of velvet. Somehow Annette managed to push obstacles aside as if they didn't exist." p. 44
I think Velvet Bulldozer was my favorite Glam Rock band!
"'I'm not sure yet,' she admitted. 'At the moment, being seventeen in his eyes is an advantage.'
Marsha frowned. 'I missed something. How is it an advantage?'
'I wouldn't even want to try to guess how many twenty-year-old girls he's dated in his lifetime, but how often do you think he's been attracted to a supposedly seventeen-year-old girl? Right now I stand out in the crowd. I'm not just another blonde in his life.'
'I hadn't thought of it that way,' her sister admitted." p. 47
Well, who would think of it that way, aside from perhaps some hardcore Nabokov fans? This little "plan" she has going is both creepy and icky and creepy again. And seriously, does anyone really want to know the answer to "how many seventeen year olds has my man wanted?"?
The dating tips in here were rated too manipulative by the chicks who wrote "The Rules", as is evidenced by this next little gem.
"'You can't be serious.' Marsha stared at her, fully aware that Annette was perfectly serious. 'I came along with you this afternoon just to play tennis. You didn't say anything about losing my sweater.'
'Marsha, you aren't losing it. You're just going to accidentally leave it behind. And if you're going to argue, will you please smile?' she urged. 'I don't want Josh to think we are up to something.'
'No,' Marsha agreed with a wide and faintly sarcastic smile. 'We mustn't let Josh know that we're plotting against him. If you want to leave a sweater behind for him to find, drop your own- and leave me out if it.'
'Marsha, I can't. It would be too obvious if I left mine,' Annette reasoned with forced calm. 'It has to be your so he won't get suspicious.'" p. 51
*sighs* Seriously.
"'Do you?' he challenged. 'To you, a kiss is one step beyond holding hands. But to me, it's one step away from the bed! That's where this one will lead, you know.' His gaze narrowed on the warmth that flooded her cheeks. 'No, you don't know, do you?'
'Josh, I-' Annette wanted to change the subject, suddenly unable to handle the topic of sex.
'You thought it would be exciting and a little wicked to tease me and tempt me with your little Lolita act.'" p. 74
*double sigh* At least they acknowledge the creepiness...although, they don't seem nearly as upset about it as I was. Particularly, when it got creepier, on the next page.
"There was no mistake that her father was looking their way with narrowing interest.
'If he knew what you were up to.' Josh said. 'he'd take you over his knee and spank you. Which is precisely what you need!'
'Maybe I'm into spankings!' Annette flashed, and turned to cross the gangplank to the dock, her carriage stiff with pride." p. 75
I think it is always a great idea to scream at a near stranger that you are into spankings, within earshot of your father, stepmother and baby brother. Particularly, when you are saying it to be a jerk.
So, a few pages later, she confesses. Apparently, being 2o is like, totally, like super mature, the fact that she acted like a 15 y/o not withstanding...and so he invites her to his hotel room, where THIS happened.
"'Do your tastes run to spicy things?' she asked.
'I can't imagine anything more boring than a bland diet,' he replied.
'Neither can I.' Annette agreed. 'I hope you realize how frustrating it was trying to act the age you thought I was.'
'I hope you realize how frustrating it was trying to treat you like the girl I thought you were instead of the woman I wanted you to be,' Josh countered. 'You knew that. And you deliberately provoked me.'" p.101
Ack ack ack. Oh and, ack.
Under the special Margaret Atwood category of explaining all metaphors...This is still at the dirty dinner.
"'There are two ways people can learn to swim,' Josh said, and Annette gave him a puzzled look. The subject was totally out of place. 'The quickest is to throw them into the deep end and hope their instinct for survival will get them safely ashore. But that's a severe shock to the system and it rarely turns out to be a pleasant experience.'
He paused briefly and it began to sink in that he was speaking analogically, comparing swimming to making love. Annette felt her inner confusion and tension begin to ease with his words." p. 105
Creepier and creepier thought EVERYONE!!!
"'Don't you want to marry me?' she murmured with a sinking heart.
'No.' His reply was brutally simple.
'But-' A hard lump welled in her throat. Annette had to pause to swallow it. 'I thought....' She tried again. 'This afternoon you asked if I would be interested in having your baby.'
A wry kind of amusement flickered across his features. 'Annette, that was another way of asking to make love to you.' he explained with droll patience. 'That is how babies are made, but I have absolutely no intention of getting you pregnant.'" p. 140
I just...really? Really?!
So, she runs off and nearly get assaulted by some other dude who she throws herself at and the Josh dude comes and saves her and then brings her to her dad. To tell on her. And then this happens...
"'And that can't be, since Annette is going to marry me.'
The calm statement jarred Annette to her feet. 'What?' She was furious at his supposition she would accept. After all he'd put her through tonight-humiliating her in front of her family- he was crazy to think she's fall all over herself accepting his proposal. She stood before him, her arms rigidly at her sides and her hands clenched into fists. 'I wouldn't marry you if you were the last man on earth!'
Josh wasn't impressed by her anger or her denial. His gaze was coolly indifferent as it ran over her face. 'Where you are concerned, I am the last man on earth,' he stated simply. [...] 'You aren't going anywhere.' he informed her with tight-lipped grimness. 'I can't make up my mind whether you need a husband or a keeper.'
'I don't need you!' She hurled the bitter words at his fingers dug into the soft flesh of her arms to hold her, inflicting pain.
'It's about time somebody took you off your father's hands,' Josh declared roughly. 'You've caused him enough grief already.' His hard gaze swung away. 'With your permission, Mr. Long, I'm taking Annette as my wife.'" p. 187
What Dad, upon viewing that touching scene, wouldn't say yes to letting that man marry his, insane, manipulative bitchy daughter? Right. Neither did he. He consented, because it were true love...apparently.
Know what else it was? Yeah ya do. Cracky cracky crack crack.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
To Catch a Unicorn
Sara Seale
Yep. Another unicorn. Woohoo! This one was originally published in 1964, which means there is a lot of delicious stuff in here..so without further adieu...
Laura and her cousin, Cleo, go to visit Cleo's dead husbands family (The husbands name was Troilus. Troilus and Cleo.). Laura is a simple (read: stupid and naive) girl who loves Cleo's little son. Cleo is a bitch (read: bitch) who hates her little son. Naturally, the family has money that is controlled by an "arrogant" eldest brother, named Dominic, and a fun loving (read: drunken idiot) younger brother, named Perry (Peregine). Cleo wants to marry Dominic but is sleeping with Perry. Perry doesn't really want either of them but he sexually harasses Laura. And, of course, the couple we are all rooting for is Laura and Dominic. Apparently.
Oh and they live in Cornwall. I don't know much about Cornwall, except what I have learned from these books, and I hope, for the sake of the Cornish people, that none of these weird and random traits ascribed to the Cornish folk have anything to do with reality. But, I am pretty sure they don't.
Again, the awesomeness starts on page one (which was listed as five).
"'Oh, buckets of blood!' she exclaimed, reverting to an oath of her schooldays, and staring up at the man who was already stooping to help her to her feet, thought that the absurd expletive was not inappropriate." p.5
Ya know what, let's just make up our own grammar rules from now on. And what a charming glimpse at our heroine.
Cleo's outstanding mothering is evident right away. She wants her son to "charm" Dominic so that he gives the boy and his mother scads of cash. But the little boy's taste in men runs to the frivolous.
"'Hasn't settled down too badly considering everyone's strange to him, and of course he dotes on the oddities of this preposterous house. Incidentally, that perishing brat of mine isn't being at all co-operative; he seems to have taken a scunner to the only uncle who is important to him. I hope you'll be able to wean him to a more tactful state of mind now that you are here.'" p. 24
Awww Mommy Dearest ain't got nothing on you, Cleo. And, in case you were wondering, scunner means "an irrational dislike; loathing" (dictionary.com), like you have for me for making you hear about this book.
Dominic caught Perry messing about with the delicate bloom that is Laura which lead to a ridiculous fight, including the following passage.
"'I read somewhere that in a certain type of man, the protective instinct is the male essence, the springboard of sex, so to speak, and you, my dear Dom, have all the earmarks of custodian and overlord.'
'For God's sake stop talking a load of half-baked claptrap picked up from the trick-cyclists' Dominic snapped."p. 73
I have no idea what he means by "trick-cyclists". I looked it up and the internet broke. Your knowledge may vary.
Laura and Dominic discuss Nicky's affection for some of the dogs around the manor house, took a turn for the romantic...note the use of the affectionate and loving nickname.
"'Poor old dog- he probably craves for a bit of affection. Don't we all?'
'Do you?' she asked, sounding surprised.
'Oh, yes. They say what you've never had you don't miss, but it's not strictly true, do you think?'
'No, but you have to give as well as receive.'
'Very true, Miss Prunes and Prisms. Some of us, though, have to be shown the way...' p. 76
Can you feel the tension and affection and love? Maybe if you re-read it? Or maybe this next part will help. The first speaker is Laura.
"'It was the way you answered- the way you so often talk to me- rather as if I were Nicky. That's what makes me uneasy sometimes.'
'Oh I see. You shouldn't, you know, take everything at face value- I think I've told you that before. One puts up such defences as seem proper.'
'Defences- against me?'
'Well, you see, I'm not very used to young women stopping under my roof, so I'm probably not good at small talk.'
'You don't talk to Cleo as if she was slightly half-witted,' said Laura, refusing to be sidetracked, and he put a hand over one of hers.
'Cleo doesn't need handling with kids gloves,' he said ambiguously 'but I'm sorry if I've made you feel half-witted. You do, at times, test one's ingenuity rather severely.' p. 80
I have no idea how one tests one ingenuity by being half-witted. but, this does have all the markings of a true love?
Here is passage involving Perry and Laura. I just...well..there...hm.
"'Can you really carry pure spite to these lengths?'
'Troy did.'
'And is Troy to be your criterion for behaviour in all your life?'
'Ah! Now you're sounds like a prim Miss Prunes-and-prisms again! You won't feel so smug by tomorrow morning, my girl.'
'Oh, really, Perry! I may be young and inexperienced, but I am not ignorant. I've always understood that rape is virtually impossible unless the victim is partially willing,' she said, and he looked faintly surprised.
'Well, that d'you know! Our bread-and-butter miss talking glibly about such sordid things as rape as if it were of no more consequence than stubbing your toe!'
'Neither is it, I imagine, if one keeps one's head and remembers to kick,' she retorted, but even as she spoke, she had a mental picture of her Auntie Flo's look of horror at such outspokenness, and felt herself blushing." p.172
Yeah, your dead maiden aunt is why that conversation was wrong. I hope NOW gets a hold of this.
At last, Cleo and Dominic and Laura and Perry can have it alllll out.
"'Oh, I'm sure you'd be willing to take over Perry's leavings, just as you would have taken over Troy's [ed. she, Cleo, is referring to herself]. What a pity you never seem to be able to make first base.'
He did hit her then, a stinging smack across the cheek with the flat of his hand which sen the blood tingling under her skin, and he stood over her with such dark passion in his face that she shrank back against the cushions.
'I don't apologise for that because it's the only soft of treatment you understand, and you'll doubtless get plenty from Perry if you ever bring him up to scratch,' he said." p. 179
Awww what a nice family. Incidentally, Cleo pissed off when Dominic offered her a bunch of money in exchange for her kid. And then they lived happily ever after. As if anyone cared.
Did you like your crack? Was that some tasty crack for you? Did you like that? Yeah, me either.
Yep. Another unicorn. Woohoo! This one was originally published in 1964, which means there is a lot of delicious stuff in here..so without further adieu...
Laura and her cousin, Cleo, go to visit Cleo's dead husbands family (The husbands name was Troilus. Troilus and Cleo.). Laura is a simple (read: stupid and naive) girl who loves Cleo's little son. Cleo is a bitch (read: bitch) who hates her little son. Naturally, the family has money that is controlled by an "arrogant" eldest brother, named Dominic, and a fun loving (read: drunken idiot) younger brother, named Perry (Peregine). Cleo wants to marry Dominic but is sleeping with Perry. Perry doesn't really want either of them but he sexually harasses Laura. And, of course, the couple we are all rooting for is Laura and Dominic. Apparently.
Oh and they live in Cornwall. I don't know much about Cornwall, except what I have learned from these books, and I hope, for the sake of the Cornish people, that none of these weird and random traits ascribed to the Cornish folk have anything to do with reality. But, I am pretty sure they don't.
Again, the awesomeness starts on page one (which was listed as five).
"'Oh, buckets of blood!' she exclaimed, reverting to an oath of her schooldays, and staring up at the man who was already stooping to help her to her feet, thought that the absurd expletive was not inappropriate." p.5
Ya know what, let's just make up our own grammar rules from now on. And what a charming glimpse at our heroine.
Cleo's outstanding mothering is evident right away. She wants her son to "charm" Dominic so that he gives the boy and his mother scads of cash. But the little boy's taste in men runs to the frivolous.
"'Hasn't settled down too badly considering everyone's strange to him, and of course he dotes on the oddities of this preposterous house. Incidentally, that perishing brat of mine isn't being at all co-operative; he seems to have taken a scunner to the only uncle who is important to him. I hope you'll be able to wean him to a more tactful state of mind now that you are here.'" p. 24
Awww Mommy Dearest ain't got nothing on you, Cleo. And, in case you were wondering, scunner means "an irrational dislike; loathing" (dictionary.com), like you have for me for making you hear about this book.
Dominic caught Perry messing about with the delicate bloom that is Laura which lead to a ridiculous fight, including the following passage.
"'I read somewhere that in a certain type of man, the protective instinct is the male essence, the springboard of sex, so to speak, and you, my dear Dom, have all the earmarks of custodian and overlord.'
'For God's sake stop talking a load of half-baked claptrap picked up from the trick-cyclists' Dominic snapped."p. 73
I have no idea what he means by "trick-cyclists". I looked it up and the internet broke. Your knowledge may vary.
Laura and Dominic discuss Nicky's affection for some of the dogs around the manor house, took a turn for the romantic...note the use of the affectionate and loving nickname.
"'Poor old dog- he probably craves for a bit of affection. Don't we all?'
'Do you?' she asked, sounding surprised.
'Oh, yes. They say what you've never had you don't miss, but it's not strictly true, do you think?'
'No, but you have to give as well as receive.'
'Very true, Miss Prunes and Prisms. Some of us, though, have to be shown the way...' p. 76
Can you feel the tension and affection and love? Maybe if you re-read it? Or maybe this next part will help. The first speaker is Laura.
"'It was the way you answered- the way you so often talk to me- rather as if I were Nicky. That's what makes me uneasy sometimes.'
'Oh I see. You shouldn't, you know, take everything at face value- I think I've told you that before. One puts up such defences as seem proper.'
'Defences- against me?'
'Well, you see, I'm not very used to young women stopping under my roof, so I'm probably not good at small talk.'
'You don't talk to Cleo as if she was slightly half-witted,' said Laura, refusing to be sidetracked, and he put a hand over one of hers.
'Cleo doesn't need handling with kids gloves,' he said ambiguously 'but I'm sorry if I've made you feel half-witted. You do, at times, test one's ingenuity rather severely.' p. 80
I have no idea how one tests one ingenuity by being half-witted. but, this does have all the markings of a true love?
Here is passage involving Perry and Laura. I just...well..there...hm.
"'Can you really carry pure spite to these lengths?'
'Troy did.'
'And is Troy to be your criterion for behaviour in all your life?'
'Ah! Now you're sounds like a prim Miss Prunes-and-prisms again! You won't feel so smug by tomorrow morning, my girl.'
'Oh, really, Perry! I may be young and inexperienced, but I am not ignorant. I've always understood that rape is virtually impossible unless the victim is partially willing,' she said, and he looked faintly surprised.
'Well, that d'you know! Our bread-and-butter miss talking glibly about such sordid things as rape as if it were of no more consequence than stubbing your toe!'
'Neither is it, I imagine, if one keeps one's head and remembers to kick,' she retorted, but even as she spoke, she had a mental picture of her Auntie Flo's look of horror at such outspokenness, and felt herself blushing." p.172
Yeah, your dead maiden aunt is why that conversation was wrong. I hope NOW gets a hold of this.
At last, Cleo and Dominic and Laura and Perry can have it alllll out.
"'Oh, I'm sure you'd be willing to take over Perry's leavings, just as you would have taken over Troy's [ed. she, Cleo, is referring to herself]. What a pity you never seem to be able to make first base.'
He did hit her then, a stinging smack across the cheek with the flat of his hand which sen the blood tingling under her skin, and he stood over her with such dark passion in his face that she shrank back against the cushions.
'I don't apologise for that because it's the only soft of treatment you understand, and you'll doubtless get plenty from Perry if you ever bring him up to scratch,' he said." p. 179
Awww what a nice family. Incidentally, Cleo pissed off when Dominic offered her a bunch of money in exchange for her kid. And then they lived happily ever after. As if anyone cared.
Did you like your crack? Was that some tasty crack for you? Did you like that? Yeah, me either.
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