To Catch a Unicorn

Sara Seale

Yep. Another unicorn. Woohoo! This one was originally published in 1964, which means there is a lot of delicious stuff in here..so without further adieu...
Laura and her cousin, Cleo, go to visit Cleo's dead husbands family (The husbands name was Troilus. Troilus and Cleo.). Laura is a simple (read: stupid and naive) girl who loves Cleo's little son. Cleo is a bitch (read: bitch) who hates her little son. Naturally, the family has money that is controlled by an "arrogant" eldest brother, named Dominic, and a fun loving (read: drunken idiot) younger brother, named Perry (Peregine). Cleo wants to marry Dominic but is sleeping with Perry. Perry doesn't really want either of them but he sexually harasses Laura. And, of course, the couple we are all rooting for is Laura and Dominic. Apparently.
Oh and they live in Cornwall. I don't know much about Cornwall, except what I have learned from these books, and I hope, for the sake of the Cornish people, that none of these weird and random traits ascribed to the Cornish folk have anything to do with reality. But, I am pretty sure they don't.

Again, the awesomeness starts on page one (which was listed as five).
"'Oh, buckets of blood!' she exclaimed, reverting to an oath of her schooldays, and staring up at the man who was already stooping to help her to her feet, thought that the absurd expletive was not inappropriate." p.5
Ya know what, let's just make up our own grammar rules from now on. And what a charming glimpse at our heroine.

Cleo's outstanding mothering is evident right away. She wants her son to "charm" Dominic so that he gives the boy and his mother scads of cash. But the little boy's taste in men runs to the frivolous.
"'Hasn't settled down too badly considering everyone's strange to him, and of course he dotes on the oddities of this preposterous house. Incidentally, that perishing brat of mine isn't being at all co-operative; he seems to have taken a scunner to the only uncle who is important to him. I hope you'll be able to wean him to a more tactful state of mind now that you are here.'" p. 24
Awww Mommy Dearest ain't got nothing on you, Cleo. And, in case you were wondering, scunner means "an irrational dislike; loathing" (dictionary.com), like you have for me for making you hear about this book.

Dominic caught Perry messing about with the delicate bloom that is Laura which lead to a ridiculous fight, including the following passage.
"'I read somewhere that in a certain type of man, the protective instinct is the male essence, the springboard of sex, so to speak, and you, my dear Dom, have all the earmarks of custodian and overlord.'
'For God's sake stop talking a load of half-baked claptrap picked up from the trick-cyclists' Dominic snapped."p. 73
I have no idea what he means by "trick-cyclists". I looked it up and the internet broke. Your knowledge may vary.

Laura and Dominic discuss Nicky's affection for some of the dogs around the manor house, took a turn for the romantic...note the use of the affectionate and loving nickname.
"'Poor old dog- he probably craves for a bit of affection. Don't we all?'
'Do you?' she asked, sounding surprised.
'Oh, yes. They say what you've never had you don't miss, but it's not strictly true, do you think?'
'No, but you have to give as well as receive.'
'Very true, Miss Prunes and Prisms. Some of us, though, have to be shown the way...' p. 76
Can you feel the tension and affection and love? Maybe if you re-read it? Or maybe this next part will help. The first speaker is Laura.

"'It was the way you answered- the way you so often talk to me- rather as if I were Nicky. That's what makes me uneasy sometimes.'
'Oh I see. You shouldn't, you know, take everything at face value- I think I've told you that before. One puts up such defences as seem proper.'
'Defences- against me?'
'Well, you see, I'm not very used to young women stopping under my roof, so I'm probably not good at small talk.'
'You don't talk to Cleo as if she was slightly half-witted,' said Laura, refusing to be sidetracked, and he put a hand over one of hers.
'Cleo doesn't need handling with kids gloves,' he said ambiguously 'but I'm sorry if I've made you feel half-witted. You do, at times, test one's ingenuity rather severely.' p. 80
I have no idea how one tests one ingenuity by being half-witted. but, this does have all the markings of a true love?

Here is passage involving Perry and Laura. I just...well..there...hm.
"'Can you really carry pure spite to these lengths?'
'Troy did.'
'And is Troy to be your criterion for behaviour in all your life?'
'Ah! Now you're sounds like a prim Miss Prunes-and-prisms again! You won't feel so smug by tomorrow morning, my girl.'
'Oh, really, Perry! I may be young and inexperienced, but I am not ignorant. I've always understood that rape is virtually impossible unless the victim is partially willing,' she said, and he looked faintly surprised.
'Well, that d'you know! Our bread-and-butter miss talking glibly about such sordid things as rape as if it were of no more consequence than stubbing your toe!'
'Neither is it, I imagine, if one keeps one's head and remembers to kick,' she retorted, but even as she spoke, she had a mental picture of her Auntie Flo's look of horror at such outspokenness, and felt herself blushing." p.172
Yeah, your dead maiden aunt is why that conversation was wrong. I hope NOW gets a hold of this.

At last, Cleo and Dominic and Laura and Perry can have it alllll out.
"'Oh, I'm sure you'd be willing to take over Perry's leavings, just as you would have taken over Troy's [ed. she, Cleo, is referring to herself]. What a pity you never seem to be able to make first base.'
He did hit her then, a stinging smack across the cheek with the flat of his hand which sen the blood tingling under her skin, and he stood over her with such dark passion in his face that she shrank back against the cushions.
'I don't apologise for that because it's the only soft of treatment you understand, and you'll doubtless get plenty from Perry if you ever bring him up to scratch,' he said." p. 179

Awww what a nice family. Incidentally, Cleo pissed off when Dominic offered her a bunch of money in exchange for her kid. And then they lived happily ever after. As if anyone cared.
Did you like your crack? Was that some tasty crack for you? Did you like that? Yeah, me either.